Category Archives: Relationships

Confessions against strong winds by the river

Looking at you with all the strange emotions i’m feeling. Listening to a very impossible explanation or excuse.

“Loving all out- no holding back. Just looking, wanting and waiting…are these even possible?
All because, I said I want to fly with you…”

Then you say:

“The emotions that you say are too much for you”…
The feelings that you have not felt a long time, suddenly rising again inside.
“I’m sorry… I need them desperately. I can’t do without them. I will greedily grab and hold on them for they are gifts from an unknown power.”

That strong and mysterious power of someone experiencing near death. That very same deep and true emotions emanated by the dying. It brings two completely different souls together. Like a gift to the loved ones who will be left behind.
I don’t know how to go against it. I don’t even want to let go of it.

Can there be such a relationship? Can it really still exist?

But you know, not saying it, not talking about it and just simply letting it be— makes it more lasting and memorable.
More sacred and pure!

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Vee…

Have you ever experienced a time when you plan everything for a new beginning, a new start. Somehow, you get stuck in a situation?

First, you make a list of what to do’s. Then you slowly go through the list, scratching one off each time it is already accomplished. Somewhere along the long list, you somehow get stuck at one item. You do what you think is right to get it accomplished, but then it doesn’t seem to work. So, you leave it for a while and you go through the next items on your list. Then, somehow, you come across another item which stands in conflict with the previous undone item in the list. So, again you try to do something about it. Get an expert to finish the job, since it is necessary. You hire a lawyer. Apparently, after a long wait, it still cannot be corrected, until you get frustrated. What do you do? You approach a person whom you think is knowledgeable. You trust the person would be able to help you and perhaps see things in a different perspective and you let them take the lead on fixing the problem. You wait for some months, perhaps even years and then, you realize that you have been tricked by this other person you relied on.

Again, the question: “what should you do?”

An acquaintance of mine here in Frankfurt am Main has a dilemma. I’ll name her Vee. Vee has been trying to get order back in her life. She started a list of to do things. She managed to get some done, but apparently she keeps coming back to a certain problem again and again. Her civil status in the Philippines. Her marriage was not yet annulled. She hired a lawyer, but it didn’t work for some reason and eventually the case was dismissed. She then again got another lawyer and was again assured that it would be done, but somehow, she was just tricked. The second lawyer did not even bother to file her petition for annulment. Supposedly, this said lawyer whom she never met and “she doesn’t even know the name” promised her solution to her dilemma. They agreed a certain amount as compensation. Vee prepaid a big sum to the person. She arranged with the lawyer that the balance of the agreed amount would be paid once the case has reached a finality. After two years of long wait, she found out that she has been once again, swindled. He case was never filed although she was told that they were just waiting for the annotation of the Local Civil Registrar’s Office.

Okay, I must admit, somehow, someone either made an “honest mistake”, error perhaps in the process, couldn’t correct it anymore and wanted to start all over again. But the problem was Vee could not wait anymore. It took already a couple of years for her to wait and she was already demanding results. To which she has all the rights. OR that same someone, did not really intend to help her… but she needed Vee’s money anyway, so she promised but did not deliver. In the end, the person who inter-mediated, referred and assured Vee of results lost face in the process. I’ll name this person “Jay”. Jay is a Philippine civil servant. Jay works at the Philippine Consulate here in Frankfurt am Main, Germany. Suffice it to say, Vee and a lot of other people have very high regards to the people who work at the Philippine Consulate here in Frankfurt. Well, now Jay lost face and dignity. (Jay’s story is for another entry.)

The next question is: how much would you be willing to sacrifice to get something done?

In Vee’s case, she was willing to go through all the trouble and was willing to pay hard earned money for her problem. She worked hard and fought as much as she could/is capable of. Vee called me asking for help. She wanted to confirm her doubts about her case. Somehow, she felt that it was all just talk and nothing was actually done. She wanted it checked, researched and eventually, got shocked that she was really fooled by the people she trusted. People whom she thought were knowledgeable and honest enough. Another person told Vee she should just not do anything about it anymore. Leave it as it is and just let mother nature take its course on the problem. There must be some divine reason why Vee’s previous marriage cannot be annulled. Some sort of natural intervention against the annulment of her marriage. Isn’t is that “God ordained marriage to be a lifelong commitment between man and wife”…”therefore what God has joined together, let not man separate”… and maybe she is also right.

In the end, Vee lost a lot of time, money and friends. Now she has to settle another item in her list first and wait until she is again able to work on the still “unfinished item”. In short she is letting the “unfinished item” rest for awhile. For a very long while!

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Pag-ibig:pinag halong sarap, sakit, tamis at pait!

Kausap ko lang ang kaibigan ko kaninang madaling araw. Nag long distance call siya. Umiiyak. Nalulungkot. Broken hearted daw siya. Nagpa kalasing siya, ngunit kinaumagahan ay ganun pa rin daw ang sakit na nardarama niya.

Kung naiintindihan ko daw ba ang nararamdaman niya. Oo naman. Alam ko yan. Sino ba naman ang hindi dumaan sa tamis at sakit na dulot ng pag ibig. Naaalala ko tuloy nung kabataan ko pa. Nagmahal din ako ng todo. Higit pa sa pagmamahal ko sa sarili ko. Higit pa sa naramdaman kong pag mamahal para sa pamilya ko. Ultimo career ko at sideline na negosyo ay pinakawalan ko alang-alang sa pagmamahal ko sa isang lalaki na akala ko ay habang buhay kong makakasama, sa hirap at sa ginhawa, sa tuwa at sa saya, sa drama at sa komedya. Siyempre, dahil sa hindi naman isang pelikula ang buhay ko, hindi ito nag tapos sa “happily ever after” ikanga sa libro ng mga kuwentong engkantasya.

Pero, masarap din namang balikan ang mga masasayang alaala ng pag-iibigan na iyon. Mga araw na tila ayaw na naming magkahiwalay. Mga gabi na malamig at tila ba sa haplos ng kanyang mga kamay sa aking palad ay napag iinit niya na ang aking buong katauhan. Mga malalagkit na tinganan na parang nagdadala ng awit at sumasayaw ang aming damdamin sabay sa tugtog ng musika ng pag ibig. Mga panahon na lahat ng problema ay nahaharap namin ng buong tapang dahil sa alam namin na anjan lang ang bawat isa sa aming tabi. Kagabay sa paglutas ng anumang suliranin na aming hinaharap.
May mga araw din na parang masikip ang mundo namin at tila ba gusto kaming paghiwalayin ng tadhana. Lahat kino kontra ang aming pag iibigan. Lahat ayaw na magkasama at amging masaya kami. Kahit ano mang pilit namin pa ipakita sa kanila at ipadama ang aming tunay na nararamdaman para sa isa’t-isa ay siya namang pag sara nila sa pinto sa aming harapan. Na waring pinapahayag na ayaw nilang makita at maintindihan ang aming pagmamahalan. Sa mga panahong iyon ay lalong nagtibay ang aming pag ibig. Lalong kaming naging masigasig sa isa’t-isa. Walang bagyong sumalnta sa amin na hindi namin kinaya. Hanggang sa isang umaga ay gumunaw ang mundo naming dalawa.

“Oo” sagot ko sa aking kaibigan. “Alam ko na lahat yan dahil pinag daanan ko din yan”. Sister, ang maipapayo ko lang sa iyo, kahit na ilang bote ng Tequila Cuervo ang banatan mo, kahit pa magpaka lunod ka sa Johnny Walker at Jim Beam o magsunog ka ng iyong baga sa Fundador at Tanduay Rhum, sa pag gising mo kinabukasan, hindi mo pa rin maaalis ang sakit ta pait ng iyong nararamdaman sa ngayon.

Panahon at pani-bagong pag kakataon ang nakatulong sa akin sa pag limot ng sakit. Pero ang peklat ng sugat ko ay hindi naalis sa aking puso. May mga araw pa ring dumadaan na nahahaplos ko ang malali na marka ng sugat sa aking damdamin.

Sa laking malas, ang ganitong klaseng peklat ay hindi naaalis ng cebo de macho. Hindi rin ito natatakpan concealer make up at lalong walang bisa ang whitening creams dito. Kahit mga Doktor ay hindi kayang tanggalin ang peklat na ito. Wala pa yatang surgery na naiimbento ang Syensiya at mga doktor para dito.

Mabuti nalang at si panahon ay nakikisama. Ang pagkakataon ay mahabagin at mapag bigay. Sa ngayon ay okay lang naman ako. Namumuhay ng tahimik at kontento. At sa totoo lang, hindi ko na maisip at maalala ang dahilan ng aming pag hihiwalay. Hindi ko na rin matandaan kung ano ang aming pinag awayan. Ni hindi ko na rin maalala kung nagkausap pa ba kami ng maayos bago kami tuluyang nagkahiwalay.

Kaya, oo, naiintindihan ko friend ang dinaranas mo. At habang nakikinig ako sa iyong pagdadalamhati ay tomotoma din ako. Baka sakaling mapawi din ang alaala ng sakit na dating naramdaman ng aking puso.

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